The Onion
The Onion's Finest News Report


#    Title    Time    Info  
1 Onion Finest News Reporting Vol. 1 Introduction 0:44
2 A Massive Oil Spill Results In Improved Wildlife Viscosity 0:43
3 A Cop Kills His Own Partner And Vows To Track Himself Down 0:36
4 NASA Is Baffled By The Failure Of Its Straw Shuttle 0:44
5 Clinton Has Been Seduced By A Suave International Diamond Thief 0:34
6 An Area Bassist Is Felated 0:35
7 High Court Bans Same-Sex Friendships 0:41
8 The Amish Give Up 0:27
9 A Giant Six-Year Old Devastates An Area Ant Community 0:44
10 I Believe The Robots Are Our Future 5:00
11 A Family Of Four Has Been Rescued From A Burning House By A Homo... 0:34
12 Desperate Vegetarians Declare Cows Plants 0:44
13 The Whale Market Is Targeted With New Plankton-Flavored Peanut B... 0:36
14 Chrisopher Reeve Is Placed Atop The Washington Monument 0:41
15 Civil War Enthusiasts Burn Atlanta To The Ground 0:40
16 Jesus Christ Has Hired An Associate Christ 0:35
17 A Bluesman Claims Yemen Done Him Wrong 0:49
18 Taco Bell Launches The New Morning-After Burrito 0:41
19 A Zookeeper Is Savagely Raped By A Grizzly Bear 0:41
20 The Jews Have Been Ordered Back To Egypt For Pyramid Duty 0:40
21 Clinton Deploys Vowels To Bosnia 0:55
22 Those Motherfucking Robins Are On Thin Ice With Me 4:38
23 Nine People Are Drawn And Quartered At An Out-Of-Hand Rennaissan... 0:39
24 Neighbors Remember A Serial Killer As A Serial Killer 0:34
25 Chrysler Discontinues Neck Belts 0:40
26 Teachers Are Apalled By Poorly Written Teen Suicide Notes 0:44
27 Mother Theresa Has Been Sent To Hell In A Wacky Afterlife Mix-Up... 0:45
28 A Buck-Naked Man Stresses The Importance Of Proper Schooling 0:40
29 Ants Demand A 23.9 Hour Work Day 0:40
30 President Clinton Is Written Up By His Total Bitch Supervisor 0:46
31 Congress Has Approved The Americans With No Abilities Act 0:44
32 A New High-Viscosity Mayonnaise Will Help Americans Swallow 0:45
33 The Collectable Plate Industry Has Called For The Tragic Death O... 0:37
34 Hitler Was Wrong! 3:32
35 McDonald's Unveils A New All-Beef Bun 0:35
36 The President's Head Has Been Sawed Off 0:37
37 Philip Morris Lawyers Deny Cigarettes Are Cylindrical 0:37
38 A New Cereal For the Poor Stays Crunchy In Water 0:35
39 A Revolutionary New Asper-Shirt Relieves Torso Pain 0:33
40 The Vatican Unveils Its New Pope Signal 0:38
41 Greenpeace Releases Dolphins Into The Forest 0:35
42 A Local Wal-Mart Greeter Is At Death's Door 0:39
43 Richard Simmons Is Fighting For His Life In An Estrogen Tent 0:45
44 A Lucky Dead Student Gets His Own Page In The High School Yearbo... 0:42
45 The NRA Changes Its Focus From Guns To Penmanship 0:38
46 I Am A Bad Ass 5:53
47 Quincy Suspects Murder 0:43
48 Jews are Celebrating Rosh Hashasha, or Something 0:43
49 Bourbon Helps An Area Carpet Salesman Forget About Carpeting For... 0:45
50 White Castle Plundered By Turks 0:41
51 Rocker Ted Nugent's New Cologne Has Been Tested On Every Known A... 0:44
52 Don King Enjoys a Grandilomentitudinous Sandwich 0:41
53 A Family Dog Is Suspected In A Miniature Chuck Wagon Disaster 0:47
54 An Utter Failure Plans To Spend The Rest Of The Day In Bed 0:41
55 Congress Has Lowered The Killing Age To Nineteen 0:36
56 Scandal In The Special Olympics 0:39
57 It's Not a Crack House, It's A Crack Home 5:07
58 An Area Man Busts His Ass All Day, And For What? 0:42
59 Mongol Warriors Have Sacked And Pillaged The U.S. 0:35
60 A Hate Crime Bill Is Stalled By The Pro-Hate Lobby 0:37
61 80% Of Americans Are In Favor Of Storming The Castle And Destroy... 0:42
62 A Man With Heart Disease Eagerly Awaits The Death Of A Young Boy... 0:39
63 The Face Of Jesus Is Seen On A Miracle Hippie 0:37
64 An Ant Is Born 0:39
65 Babies Are Stupid 0:44
66 NRA President Charlton Heston - A Hebrew? 0:41
67 A Coffeehouse Encounter Results In Conversation And Cunnilingus 0:40
68 A Drunken Man Makes An Interesting Point About Society 0:46
69 A Local Masturbator Gets All The Latest Swimwear News On E! 1:03
70 Onion Finest News Reporting Vol. 1 Conclusion 0:20
Total time 66:56